Monday, October 20, 2008

The Queen speaks!

As it's Monday and am sure we could all do with a smile to start the week, I really couldn't resist sharing this with you all. Bear in mind, you need to have a good sense of humour (not HUMOR) when reading....

To: the citizens of the United States of America
From: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor forAmerica without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour," "favour," "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up "vocabulary").

2.Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as '"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u"' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors t o play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


  1. LMAO @ the Queen not fancying Kansas.

    It has to be acknowledged, the reach of the US is far. Fortunately I’ve been able to reverse localised effects by throwing out the TV. Hahaha.

    This is bloody funny – and reminds me I could just go for some of the Amber Nectar.

    On which note, I love the Australians. Their politicians have punch ups and they call their birds, Sheilas. I love their irreverent attitude as opposed to the kiss ass attitude the rest of us have developed.

    Just imagine if the Aussies ruled the world. Ripper!

  2. Hi, Mom/Mum. LOL! Obviously, you've not been here long enough. We're kinda nice. You know? Like, uh, we tend to grow on people. ;) Well, most of us do, anyway. Well, it's time for my break; I gotta go now, and get a mug o' coffee. Later, gator! ;0

    Seriously, I DO hope you find the good among all the chaff. We're not all bad, and we adore the Brits. Welcome!

  3. Oh Dave Dave Dave throwing out the Tv. c'mon now - it can't be that bad can it? If the US didn't bring over their CSI's and their desperate Housewives, all you would be left with is Geraldine on 'Britian's Got Talent'Now imagine if she/he (?) got to rule the world....
    Double Ripper!

    Julie - hello and thanks for visiting! No no no I have found some very good among the chaff. I've been here not that long, but long enough not to tarnish all Americans with the same brush. Our cultural differences will always make me laugh/cry though!

  4. Ha ha this is brilliant. I agree with all except the Aussies being pound for pound the best sportsmen since South Africa currently holds the esteemed title of Rugby Champions of the World. This small indiscretion notwithstanding: God save the Queen!

  5. hilarious. just hilarious. and very clever. glad you mentioned the cricket. just wouldn't have been without it: cricket, that is.

  6. That's brilliant.

    But I wonder has anyone done one in reverse - like, our complete failure to make any glossy medical drama up to the standard of Grey's Anatomy, House and ER? (I'm sorry, but Casualty just doesn't do it for me...)

  7. Mom or Mum Wars
    Thanks for the laugh. This is great! I love reading your blog. I just found it a few weeks ago. Keep up the good work!!!

  8. MDP - hello again - yes a minor indescretion from HRH - oh well, she is old and surely a bit batty and senile by now!

    RM - It really would not have been cricket not to mention the cricket....

    NVG - I would love to read the reverse! Maybe a future'll have to write it though as am out of touch these days. I just got given a newish OK mag and I didn't recognise one Brit celeb in it!! Eeeekkkk

    DM - Hello and thanks for stopping by my blog. Glad you enjoy. It's very kind of you to say so.

  9. Well, the Queen Mum is welcome to take over again! :D
    The only thing I do request is NO METRIC...hell, I have a hard enough time just figuring out what a yard is!! And I do love a bit of fireworks from time to time.

  10. I think the British invented baseball but obviously let it go with the Pilgrim Fathers...

    I absolutely adore cricket! So it would be interesting to see how the Americans handled the game...

  11. I probably wouldn't recognise the celebrities in OK either! These days, unless you watch Big Brother, Big Brother's Little Brother and every single reality TV show going, you have no chance of knowing who they are.

  12. Oh Mum - thanks for the chuckle - although I agree with Mom de Plume - serious faux pas re the Aussies and sport. And beer, for that matter.

  13. Thanks for a lunch break chuckle! Could you ask Her Madge if she would also mind banning the word fanny and replace it with arse instead? I know its been explained tom e before but it still makes me snigger like a school girl!
    On a similar note, as we taxi'd past Buckingham palace and saw the hordes outside on our recent London trip, I just had this vision of her sticking her head out the window and shouting "One would very much like it if you would all stop loitering outside my house and kindly eff orrf"!
    Can you imagine?

  14. Kindly eff orrrf. Hahahahahaha.

    I can just hear Lizzy saying that!


  15. lc - hello and thanks for stopping by my blog!I miss not being able to have 5 November fireworks let alone any other nes. Never understand that one. I could go buy a gun, but can't let off a firework in my backyard...

    ht - Did they? I didnt know that. Thanks for the history lesson you brainbox!

    npv - Sooo true! the mags are covered in BB celbs it seems and I so used to look forward to an out-of-date OK coming my way. Think I'll have to switch allegance to hello. At least I might recognise the Royals in those!

    tgw - poor queenie - she doesn't always get it right now does she?

    tg? - I love, the idea of the Queen getting pissed off with all the tourists loitering at ther gates. I wonder if she sits on her 'throne' just lost in people watching haha!

    dave - It's true isn't it? You really can just hear her saying that. Too funny!

  16. Hahaha nice one. Poor KS. That made me laugh, well done.