Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Material Girl

So, there I was last night, watching Madonna Veronice Louise Ciccone of Michigan, rock her broken heart at Ford Field, Detroit. A rare performance in her hometown. (FYI - born in Bay City, but her family home is less than a mile from my house).

A show I definitely did not want to miss.

But a show that left me feeling fat, frumpy and deeply uncool at not too far off 40.

This woman is 50. Yes, 5.0. FIFTY! And she leapt, skipped, danced, bumped and grinded around that stage for 2 1/2 hours like she had the energy of my toddlers.

Me and my friend (sat not quite in the Gods) weren't surprised at her showmanship. I mean, she is all all about theatrics. What had us digging deeper into our popcorn was the vast difference in what we've achieved body and health-wise these past 10 years, since we last saw her play live, and what Madonna's achieved.

We felt old. Much older. We have baby fat. Plenty of it. We were out of breath climbing the stairs at the parking lot. She looks younger. Fitter. And definitely skinnier.

I know all celebs are skinnier and smaller in real life than they look on the TV or an album cover. I've interviewed enough of them to realise that you rarely make the A list until you're pocket-sized. (Except of course, if you're a model.)

But this woman, The Material Girl, is Pollyanna on uppers.

I've cooked spaghetti thicker than her thighs.

We couldn't take our eyes off her thighs. And nor could all the men in the audience either. Gay or straight. Her thighs pay homage to diet, exercise and expensive body treatments.

I wonder if Kabbalah gets you great thighs too? (Join and get a free pair of spaghetti legs every time?!)

What I did observe though, to my great relief, was that she did sit down three times. Ah, see old age does affect us all. Even multi-millionaire pop icons.

She still obviously would kick all our ar*es at the gym. She certainly gave her 'teenage' dancers a run for the money in the energy stakes.

But she definitely took her looming divorce rage out on that stage. It was a show tinged with angry moves. Lots of thrashing the floor (and not just in the Spanish dancing which accompanied La Isla Bonita). And even 'fake' tears during an acoustic version of You Must Love Me (Am I the only Madonna fan, who loved her in Evita?) The old romantic in me, likes to think she was singing this to Guy in an attempt to save her marriage, but the realist says that she was singing it to us, her audience and fans, in another insecure cry for lifelong audulation. Such is the psyche of an artiste.

Whatever was going on under her costume (not much, consider how lacking in coverage those shorts were) one thing stands out from last nights show..

I have, unwillingly, become an unfit, unhealthy, lazy-arsed, 30-something, who hasn't exerted as much physical energy in the past 2 1/2 years as Madge did in those 2 1/2 hours.

I've got old without really taking note of it, acknowledging it or changing my lifestyle accordingly to accomodate this ageing process.

And as much as I try to remain hip, cool, fit and young, who am I trying to kid? I mean, me and my friends approach to last night was so 'Mumsie' it was embarassing.

We emptied our wallets of excess credit cards and pics of our kids - in case we got robbed.

We charged our phones - in case we needed to make an emergency call.

We took two maps - one in case we got lost on the roads and one in case we got lost inside the venue.

We located the bathrooms straight away - thankfully near enough our seats so we didn't miss too much of the show when our bladders gave out.

We rang home twice - to tell hubbies we'd got there without being shot (Well this is Detroit). And the second time, to tell them the car hadn't been vandalised and we hadn't been carjacked when we were leaving.

We didn't drink - alcohol.

We ate popcorn - kill me now!

We wore jumpers - enough said.

Jeez - the last time I saw her (at Earls Court, London) I smoked, boozed and danced my way through her concert. All inhibitions thrown to the wind and I did every move to Vogue. This time, I tapped my toes, not wanting to annoy the lady next to me with any invasion into her 'dance space' and got mildly annoyed at a girl two rows infront who stood up and busted dance moves that kept blocking my view of the big screen.

So, that's it. I'm done hurtling into middle age with my middle age spread. Things are going to change in Mom/Mum land. They have to.

I am, wait for it, going to get fit! I am going to put away the supersize box of cookies and opt for a smaller pack. With fruit. If Madonna can leap around at 50 like an Oompa-Loompa, then so can I.

Alright, that might be a tad overambitious, but I am going to join the loose-some-pounds party with the wonderfully inspriational blogcrew at BlogToFit.

I can't promise to step on the scales all that often, but I can promise to cut out some of the cr*p from my diet and to use my legs for something other than putting up on the couch.

And hopefully, like the two Daves and Tara, in a few months, I will be fitter and healthier than I am now. If I lose weight, that'll be a bonus. As Tara says, it's 'baby steps' and if I can do some of those steps to the soundtrack of the Material Girl then it'll be Like A Prayer answered for me.

Join the Wednesday Weigh-In at BlogToFit

Come on over with me and get that party started!


  1. It's the jumper that does it for me. And the fact that I'm sitting here wearing one now...

    There is no hope...

  2. I am 42 and I'm off to see Primal Scream at rock city in Nottingham next Thurs. It God and I will no doubt, drink, def smoke and maybe even some of the funny stuff he scored at the Kaiser Chief gig !

    and we will get our middle aged rocks off (that's a song by them, just incase we've no Primal fan's !)

    you just need more practice !!!

  3. Right there with ya baby... or if I'm trying to be not so 39-ish...right down widya! How cool you went to see Madge - I saw her on the Express Yourself tour eons ago and she is something else and then some! Slightly crazed some would say but then I would be too if I lived her life. If only I had spaghetti legs but alas no... still... with all of us doing the BlogToFit then we'll be up there crotch grabbing and thrusting our JP Gaultier bra's heavenward before you know it!
    Actually I'll settle for just being fitter and a bit more taut but if cross earrings and lace fingerless gloves ever come back in I am SO there!

  4. Don't forget that the woman works out like, all the time. But good for you getting into the fitness groove. Don't leave it till your forties or it'll be way too late!

  5. "YEAH BABY!" he screamed in an excited delirium caused by lack of sleep and too many references to boobage in the mummy blogger section of the blogosphere.

    Get your Madonna on, and get fab. You’re already half way there with your fantastic attitude. And you’re just oh so wonderful for playing WWI with us.

  6. I agree with Potty Mummy - the jumper thing is hilarious, and the popcorn.
    Aah nostalgia, last time I went to see her at Earls Court, I was smoking and boozing too!! Feels like a different person...
    Good luck with the getting fit thing. Who wants spaghetti legs though? I don't think Madge looks that sexy on it...she's so wiry. Don't get wiry...

  7. What are you talking about? You're WAY cooler than Madonna. I mean have you seen that girl's hands? Just wrong.

    And I swear, if I come across one more comment section where Dave is going on about 'boobies' I'm going to have to quarantine him.

  8. Tara, I figure that if someone mentions them first, it fair game.

    It would be like a baker putting doughnuts in the shop window and then expecting you not to try and lick the glazing off them.

  9. That's ENOUGH boobage snd licking references in my comments section Mr Dave!
    Go have a shot of wheatgrass and get your skipping rope out will you?!

  10. PM and CTTF - It is a fashionable jumper you know...bought from a store most of the local 'youf' go to. I thought it was rather 'happening'. Until now.
    Indeed PM, there it little hope...

    AG - good for you for seeing a bit of Ivy,Ivy,Ivy Am envious. I'd love to see them and have some beers and sneaky fags, but it's just not the done thing here...
    I'll practice in my own back yard methinks!

    TG? - Thank you, thank you, thank you! I might have to backcomb my hair a la Desperately Seeking Susan if I make it pass the cookie jar this weekend.
    I wish you lots of luch with BlogToFit too. x

    EM - Sound advice EM. Thank you. And yes, I appear to have let my personal trainer, nanny, nutritionist, chef, chauffeur, housekeepr and PA go, so I doubt I'll have quite the time to exercise that Madge does.

    Dave - your enthusiasm is inspiring. So thank you. But the booby talk has to stop. Roight?!

    Oh dear CTTF, there is as much chance of me getting wiry as Madonna being descibed as shy and retiring.

    Tara - good point on the hands thing.Hers definitely don't hide their age.
    And Tara, pur-lease do something about Dave...put him in Boob Rehab. Now!

    DaveMc - hello and welcome! great to see new peeps on my comments page.
    I wouldn't describe what I do, as 'singing'. Not quite!

  11. 'i've cooked spaghetti thicker than her thighs'. priceless. priceless, perfect line. loved it!

  12. Fair point. It shall stop with immediate effect. Anyway I have other things to worry abou , like not getting enough sleep.

  13. You go for it. But remember - as a word of warning - what Guy Ritchie reportedly said about Madonna (cheers, News of the world...) - being in bed with her was like cuddling up to a piece of gristle.....

  14. Never understood the Madonna thing, but I can see that being a multi zillionaire would help a lot towards looking pretty good. But then we don't see her first thing in the morning or last thing at night and we are not as completely selfabsorbed.
    I am saying all this from the safety of my 74 years with my own 'Raves' far behind me. I would have lain in a puddle for Frank Sinatra to step on even when he was a very old man.

    But getting fit is always a good idea.

    'scuse me, getting a bit chilly, think I'll go and put another jumper on.

  15. Oh yes, and congratulations for getting a Post f the Day from David at authorblog.

  16. madonna Mmmmmm well coming from the mouth of a true FFF l would say she has success with her work and children, but you can't have it all...unless you compromise...and the girl has done way to wash that man outta yer hair is to go on tour.....and wash them kids out too...irs about priorities...and for her kinda success l suspect I know who is her priority....the Madonna Machine..
    great post and congrats for POTD

  17. rm - thanks for your comment. It's true I swear!

    Dave - Thank you dear friend! Don't they say you burn the most calories when you sleep???

    VG - Thanks for the support. Not doing too well today. Had a piece of (rare over here) Scottish buttery shortbread at a playdate this afternoon. Whoops. Did buy 'only' 60-calories-a-pot chocolate jello at the supermarket today instead of my usual Cadbury's dark chocolate....
    "cuddling up to a piece of gristle" LOVE THAT!

    Moanie - Hello and welcome! Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting. What a great comment too from a fellow jumper wearer! Also, thanks for the congrate. I feel honoured.
    Glad you had raving years...I am hoping that a few more of them are left in me yet. Just maybe I should ditch the jumper first!

    FFF - Hello and thanks for stopping by! great to meet new bloggers.
    Wise words you have typed, that's for sure. I certainly wouldn't swap my life for hers, fact!

  18. M/M I'll look into that. If it's true I'll sleep 12 hours at a time.

  19. First of all, it's her job to look like that. Her entire branding and therefore gazillions dictates that she should be that fit and if someone paid you about 10 million a year you, too, would make the effort to look like that.

    She's also had "work" done on her face. She looks much "tighter" now then she did when she was in her early 40's doing her "Music" tour.

    The jumper is kind of sad. So is the map for the inside.

    I work out four times a week because it's not just that your metabolism changes as you age, it actually keeps me from killing my children. There is no downside to excercise.

    There is a slight downside to the occaisional fag and a boozy night out but you still gotta give it your all sometimes. Just saying.

  20. Audrey - yes indeed if my career depended on fit limbs and a wrinkle free face, I'm sure I;d make the effort to get myself sorted!
    But my 'career' needs only me to be awake, not even dressed (unless we're leaving the house!) so it takes extra effort for me to even tthink about exercising, let alone do it!
    Maybe the gym would ease my childcare frustrations too.
    The jumper and the map indeed make me a saddo. But I didn't wear a blue rinse, pearls and sensible shoes, so am I forgiven?!
    btw - it snowed that night and was bloody freezing, hence the need for wool. Honest!

  21. Don't get too thin! On Sun I saw a size 16/18 girl dancing to an African Drum at the local market. Her bum was doing things, only Jay Lo's could dream of. All the men at the bar were transfixed. I overheard one of them saying "I could just dive in there" and another one say "f**K weight watchers." It would seem that men do quite like women with a bit of meat on their bones.

  22. LOL Brill post! I would have loved to have seen her, but she was playing on, er . . . a school night. OK, enough said.