Gina's fault

It occurred to me last night that Gina Ford www.contentedbaby.com has a lot to answer for.

I have been a GF fan since I found myself with a newborn in my arms and an almost 17 month-old hanging off my trouser (pants) leg. Her 'New Contented Little Baby Book' and routines for the first year became like an addiction to me as I stumbled through those first sleep-deprived months. I worked as hard at getting both my boys to the 11.45/12 noon - 2/2.30pm nap as Him Downstairs does at getting me to have sex with him. Predictably, both are exhausting.

My mum thought my contented baby dedication would turn out like my sports phase at school - a few valiant attempts, then I'd give up and declare, "It's just not for me." But no. This time it was different. I followed HD's game plan and never gave up.


Well, not until that is, until Gina got to the bit about second stage weaning and strict feeding plans at six to nine months. I'd been cooped (stuck) indoors with Cheeky and Monkey for too long and it was high time to get out and get a bit more acquainted with my American neighbourhood. Spending precious spare daylight hours pureeing pears one week, then courgettes (Zucchini. Imagine the blank stares I got in the supermarket when I asked for courgettes) wasn't in my feeding plan.

So Contented Baby was put back on the bookshelf. Or so I thought.

I must need new contact lenses because whilst I thought HD was lost in yet another military battle with Dale Brown, he must have in fact been reading routines from said famous maternity nurse. For that's exactly how he's honed his customary get-the-wife-to-sleep-with-me act. It goes something like this:


Routine for a mum-of-two at day one

• 6pm Come in from work and give her a gentle squeeze of her bottom and a lop-sided sparkly-eyed smile.


• 6.30pm Grab her arse and try to squeeze left boob as she's loading the dishwasher.


• 6.31pm Suggest they put a DVD on for the kids and nip upstairs for a quickie.


• Do not force the issue if wife throws you her 'Don't-be-ridiculous-it's-bath time-and-I-need these-kids-quiet-and-sleeping-before-I-throttle-one-of-them' stare.

Advancing to the day two to three routine

By the end of the first night of trying to gently persuade wife to indulge in a bit of marital intimacy with you, wife should be at least lukewarmly receptive to your advances. Unless of course, Greys Anatomy is on the TV. Advance swiftly onto the day three-to-four routine.

Routine for a harassed mum-of-two at day three

• 6pm Come in from work and give her a firm squeeze on both butt cheeks, and a lop-sided desperate-eyed smile.


• 6.3opm Grab her as she's got her arms full of dirty plates, mash potato in her hair and tell her 'You look hot!"


• 6.31pm Tell her you really need some sex.


• 7.00pm Suggest the kids skip bath & story time


• In no way force the issue if wife throws you her 'Are-you-mad?' look

The following signs will help you decide whether you can advance onto the four-to-six day routine:

• Your wife has kissed you back a few times without looking past you to what the children are doing.


• She has told you that she will sleep with you. At some point. Later. Next week. Maybe.


• She comes to bed just in pants (underwear) and not her pyjamas.

Routine for a now irritated mum-of-two at day four to six

• 5.45pm Call wife from mobile (cellphone) on way home and say, "Am 10 minutes away. I've had the horn all day. Get naked."


• 6pm Walk in the door, ignore the children who are throwing food around the kitchen and are refusing to eat their tea (dinner). Grab wife's buttocks and attempt a firm fondle.


• 6.31pm Ask, "Are we ever going to have sex again?"


• 6.32pm Move swiftly away and over to the children if wife throws you her 'I'm going to throttle you' look.


• 10/10.30pm Dim the lights and with no talking move in for a cuddle. This cuddle should last no more than five minutes because wife is happily snoring in your arms.

Changes to be made during the day four to six routine

The daily buttock squeezing should be reduced to a strict gentle touch and replaced with a hug and a fondle of breasts. Saying, 'please' should be added to your sentence when asking for sex straight out. The phone calls on the way home for work have to stop. If your wife is still very resistant to the idea of sex with you, try making her a cup of tea and bringing her a chocolate biccie (cookie) after the kids have gone down. It should now take less time to get laid.

Routine for a totally frazzled mum-of-two at day six to ten

• 6pm Come home and make a cup of tea. Don't even bother with the fondling.


• 6.30pm Sit on the couch and look sorry for yourself whilst the kids use you as a trampoline.


• 6.35pm Let the wife's kiss linger as she takes pity on you and offers to do bath time.


• 7.3opm It is very important for you to go upstairs and offer to take over the kids bedtime routine if you want your wife awake and naked at 10.30pm.


• 10/10.30pm Dim the lights and with a gentle kiss turn off the E! channel your wife is watching. Give her 10 minutes to take her lenses out, brush her teeth, pick a few blackheads, have a wee (go potty) and put on her anti-wrinkle night cream. Then, when she comes back to bed and says, "OK, if it'll shut you up!" get in there.


• This sex should last no longer than 15 minutes.