Sunday, September 21, 2008

Camel Toe Ted




It’s only 40 days to go until THE BIG event: Halloween. The children have been buzzing about what costume they will wear since, err, August (!) and some of my neighbourhood Moms have been talking about what their kids will be wearing since, err, August. Not this Mum though. I was still looking at swim shorts.

However, as all the shops have been full of all things Halloween since, err, August, recently it has been hard to avoid the impending dive into costume choices and sweet treats. So, this weekend, I caved in. Leaving it until the last minute (as some Moms round here would believe) we took Cheeky and Monkey off to Target (sort of a cross between Woolies and BHS) to purchase their ghoulish threads before they all sold out.

Cheeky had his eye on a Storm Trooper costume. He’s been carrying round a costume catalogue since, err, August (he’s gotten sooo American – it’s all about which ‘holiday’ we’ll be celebrating next.) Anyway, the Trooper costume he picked out was $50. Fifty bucks? I don’t think so. And as I skipped the sewing gene, we looked for a cheaper alternative to buy.

The Trooper costume in Target was $19.99. Still plenty, but I wouldn’t mind as much if he only wore it once, or worse still and more likely, refuses to wear it at all on the BIG night.

With younger son, Monkey, the costume thing is more of an issue. Last year he was still so little we could put him in anything and he wouldn’t complain. (He was a very cute Tigger.) This year, at two, he has an opinion and can say the word, ‘No!’ Ironically, or aptly, he chose a monkey costume. And after some wrangling, I got him in it and he looked so sweet I couldn’t stop kissing him.

Halloween is one of the holidays here that I really enjoy. (Nothing to do with the fact it means a stash more chocolate in the house, honest.) I love it because it’s just so American and it makes me so happy to be in America on that night. They really go for it, so much more than I ever experienced living in England.

Last year, Halloween on our street was just like that scene in ET where he’s dressed up as a ghost and all the costumed kids are running up and down driveways, shouting ‘Trick or Treat?’ Except, as far as I was aware, we had no extra terrestrials or cameramen floating about.

My point is, it was so magical I felt like I was in a movie. House after house had carved lit pumpkins glowing on their porches, some pumped out ghostly tunes. Houses were decorated with spider webs, (I actually didn’t have to buy any fake ones, seeings as we have a pesky arachnid who weaves enormous webs over my front windows.) Some put fake grave stones on their front grass; others string little pumpkin shaped lights over their garages. There were purple path lights, fake spiders on the brickwork and plastic skeletons hanging out from upstairs windows.

It looked like a film set. It looked brilliant.

But most of all, Trick or Treat Night brings a smile to my face because of one Mom who, I shall forever refer to as Camel Toe. She’s an All American Mom of four and she takes this costume business very seriously. She joins in too. Her disguise of choice? A teddy bear. A very authentic teddy bear. She has brown paws, a soft and fluffy belly and a shiny black nose.

So authentic, there must be a tiny, naked, shivering teddy bear somewhere in her house, crying for his lost fur. Because her costume is about 10 sizes too small for her. Worse still, it rides up in that place where, lady or man, you just don’t want your clothes drawing attention.

'Camel toe' or 'camel balls', you've heard of it, right? Some people call it 'moose knuckle', other synonyms are 'cats paw' or 'deer hoof'. (US TV host Conan O'Brien even has a character called 'Cameltoe Annie' on his show.) Whatever you call it, one thing is for certain: it's not a good look!

I find it hard to maintain eye contact with Camel Toe Ted on Halloween. The urge to stare in horror right at her squashed lady pocket is overwhelming. Never mind the ghouls and gravestones, she's definitely the scariest thing on the street. Am hoping 2008 will be the year that she treats herself to a bigger costume. Or buys herself a mirror. I’ll be sure keep you posted…



Photo credit: Travisleebutton, FreakingNews.com

22 comments:

  1. Halloween is by no means as big as that back here in Blighty, but it's certainly getting bigger. Costumes and bumph are in the shops now and everyone seems to be having a ghoulish party. My son's favourite game? Apple bobbing - how great is that? Oh and plunging his hand into a bowl of spaghetti/entrails to find the goodies.

    BTW. Squashed lady pocket is now my favourite phrase. Ever

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  2. Moose knuckle made me guffaw! Somehow Halloween in the UK doesn't quite have the magic or the innocence that I imagine it does in the US - am looking forward to seeing some proper Pumpkin action next year.

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  3. I was in America one year for Halloween and it was AWESOME! I have always remembered it as my favourite Halloween ever (it's not very big in South Africa either).

    Your description of the bear gave me a fit of giggles, I feel for you and hope, for your sake, she wears something else this year, and for all our sakes, that she doesn't. I can't wait to hear what happens!

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  4. Reading your street description of Halloween, I started feeling this sense of nostalgia, and then along comes the Teddy Bear. It was like a scene from a Judd Apatow movie. Lol!

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  5. Oof not the camel toe. Bless her. Maybe she gets some strange pleasure from it?? ;o)
    Your Halloween sounds so much better than ours!! Can I come over? x

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  6. Hi, I came in through the Magic Box.


    I love Halloween, the idea of being someone or something else for awhile.

    Where I am, Halloween is more subdued, not many kids along our street. But we also have Renaissance Festivals--ours starts up the first full weekend of November, so it's kind of like an extended Halloween, and less spooky! (Unless you consider some of the garb people choose to sport. They make your Camel Toe seem tame!)

    Anyway, just thought I'd say hi and I might be back. :)

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  7. Agh - now I have to start thinking about how to persuade the 5 year old to be something manageable. I don't mind sewing at all, but he comes up with ideas that I have no idea how to execute.
    I love Halloween in our neighbourhood, as long as the weather's nice. Last year, our 15 year old daughter suddenly realized that all these years, the parents have been walking round with large plastic cups - full of beer or wine. She was appalled. Come on, we all have to have some fun.

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  8. 'Lady Pocket'? LADY POCKET? Stop it! I'll wake the children!

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  9. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
    AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa

    HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    HOOOOOOOHAHAHAHA
    AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa

    I CANNOT believe your wrote about Camel Toe on you blog. Moose Knuckle! Lady Pocket!

    Heeeeeehehehehehehe

    I never would have pegged you for a camel toe talking kinda person.

    You’ve made me laugh so much. Thank you!

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  10. Eeeww... I hate camel toe! I have heard it referred to as VW bonnet too....picture it?...yep .. now you see it! Puts me right off trick or treating!

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  11. You will have a great time. I know what you mean. I like to put it off until the day before. However my four year old demanded to be spiderman and for $20 at Marshalls. Who could resist.

    Glad your here and can't wait for you to blog about THE BIG NIGHT adventures.

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  12. Sounds like our neighborhood at Halloween, though I think I'm the only mom who wears a costume - black clothes, black lipstick and a long black wig. The little kids freak out. The older ones just think I'm weird - especially when my response to "Trick or treat?" is "Ooh, thanks, I'll have a treat!"

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  13. That Girl! VW bonnet? Good god I feel like I've been living on the moon. Does someone sit in a darkened room and come up with these phrases?
    Is it your Mom/Mum?

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  14. Please be sure to provide us with a picture of Camel Toe!

    Halloween was a non event here when I was growing up and since it means nothing to me I just tend to ignore it, much to the disgust of all the local kids - since its now, courtesy of mass commercialisation become a much bigger event! Mind you, I'm sure I could do the big bad witch pretty well...muahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa

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  15. tara - Apple bobbing - how cute! maybe by the time i come back to Blighty (one day..) halloween will be just as american as in America, our countries will have merged and I wouldn't miss the US at all.. SLP - sums it up I think!
    PS You've got me - I am professionally employed to sit in a darkekend room comeing up with such nonsense. haha. That girl?'s VW bonnet though is totally tops.

    VG - you will love the pumpkin action, especially if you live in a family friendly neighbourhood.

    MDP - Hello and thanks for visiting! I can't wait to reveal if she wears the same costume again.

    Ron- hello and thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed my post!

    AG - Am now going to go on Croc watch for you.

    ACTTF - Well, there are those ladies who wear their garments that tight deliberately to put a smile on their faces, so I've heard...but stop. I can't bear to think that she might be getting pleasure from her Ted! You are welcome for Halloween anytime. In fact we'd love to have you here any time! xx

    MM - Thanks for visiting and commenting. There'ds a Renaissance Festival our way too, never been but have heard they are fun.

    EP - Am laughing at your 15 yr old's reaction to the adults having, gosh, not fun of their own?! Never! Shocking! Shouldn't be done etc...!

    PM - Soz!

    Dave - Glad I surprised you AND made you laugh!

    That girl? VW bonnet - LOL!!! i love that! Perfectly descriptive. Brilliant!

    SSC, TDD - Ohhh I love Marshalls for a bargain! I'll be sure to update about the night...

    CM - It's funny isn't it? VW bonnet is my fave now.

    AA - you are a genius! Am going to use your line when the kids come knocking. I enjoyed reading your description of Halloween too. Thanks for sharing.

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  16. I can't stop laughing. Really. I'm crying. You need to send her an anonymous note, women should not be out in public during such a child centered activity.

    Squashed lady pocket! hahahahahahaha

    You also put me in a great mood for said candy hoarding holiday. Will have to shop soon. Thanks for the laugh.

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  17. mrs bear - glad I bought a smile to your day! Yes, that Mom should only be allowed out with a warning sign. Preferably, COVERING her squashed lady pocket!

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  18. Your description reminds me of when I lived in California aged 6 -8. Halloween is not the same in the UK, for which I am very grateful.

    I do enjoy the 5th November more I think, especially when at university we used to go to a village to watch people carrying burning barrels.

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  19. Halloween over here is awesome compared to the UK. People go to such extremes to make it so special for the kids whether they know them or not.We saw a woman all dresed in white on a white horse daring the kids to attack her candy treasure! They were petrified...(as was I!)

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