Wednesday, September 24, 2008
You've Got Mail
Opening up my email inbox today, I was excited to see 13 new messages. “Ohhh what gossip from friends?” I thought as I clicked on mousey.
Nada. None. Nope. Not one. Nothing. Not ONE email was from a living, breathing friend. It was all junk mail landing with a big fat ‘splat!’ in my inbox.
How did these companies get my email address? Isn’t it enough that I’m plagued by advertising interrupting my TV shows every five minutes with their in-yer-face commercials? (Thank the lordy for DVR) My mailbox over-flows daily with flyers for this grocer and pamphlets for that car dealer and coupons for goodness knows what. (Tsk, think of the paper wastage advertisers!) I can’t even enjoy the radio in the car without some booming voice yelling at me to ‘buy’ 'buy’ 'buy'! (Plug in the ipod.)
And now this. Despite me setting my junk mail filters, somehow these advertisers have broken in and are ready to pounce. These guys either have mummy-cams set up in my home and think they know me well, or they randomly hacked into my life anyway. Whatever, I’ve got some stuff to say back to my intruders….
· From: Tri Slim
Subject: Lose up to 30 pounds in 30 days
Have you been spying on me and my late night snacking?
· From: Acai Cleanse
Subject: Oprah’s Superfood of the year
Ever since the James Frey book debacle, like I’m going to ever trust what Oprah rates!
· From: Tesco.com
Subject: Spend Less with New Discount brand Products
Will you deliver to the USA? Didn’t think so.
· From: High Success
Subject: Quit your boring job and become a google millionaire!
Don’t think HD and boys would accept my resignation if I tried to quit. And it’s not boring. Well, not much. Though the housework part, I’d happily swap for googling any day.
· From: Michael Vincent
Subject: I found you a new job
Err, stop stalking me Michael. You infiltrate my inbox every day. Get a new job yourself!
· From: Finally Here
Subject: Better for weight loss than any other anti-oxidant! How the French eat lots of fat, but stay skinny and live longer than anyone!
Finally here? Like I’ve been waiting for this email ALL MY LIFE! Based on what research is this statement about the French true I ask? Maybe blogger friends, Petite Anglaise and Tarte Tartan can shed some light on this for me?
· From: HealthcareBilling
Subject: A brighter future starts with a Medical Billing Degree!
Excuse me? Are you seriously implying you have to get a DEGREE to send out bills for doctor visits??? Is this an April fool?
· From: Acai Free Trial Kit
Subject: Lose 20lbs instantly the Brangelina Way!
Is this a free pair of fingers for sticking down my throat then?
· From: Saks Fifth Avenue
Subject: Louboutin: More Fall Styles
Oh sigh. In another life, with another budget, I’d love to be sashaying about in my new fall Louboutins. Sorry Saks, think you’ll find you have more success targeting this customer with Uggs.
· From: Quality Kitchen Remodeling
Subject: Transform Your Kitchen with Sears
Ok, so this one caught me eye, as we are planning a new kitchen. But, right now, my kitchen would be transformed with a mop, bucket and some bleach. Oh and a spare pair of hands to pick up all the cheerios and rice krispies that have become embedded between the tiles.
· From: Janie and Jack
Subject: Up to 50% off! An autumn sale Not to be missed!
Ahh, now I love this children’s clothes store. But even at 50% off, they’ll still have me paying $30 for a sweater. Email me again after payday…
· From: VistaBusi8nessCards
Subject: 250 Full Color Business cards
Hmm. Lack of actual business ownership is a problem here. Though I could get a card for my line of work.
It might read, “SUPERMUM/MOM FOR HIRE” Available 24/7. Great rates! Specialises in: Thomas the Tank Engine, Cadbury’s, Greys Anatomy, GeoTrax, Fireman Sam, Jay Jay the Jet Plane, getting boys to aim in the bowl, wiping bottoms, chopping melon, cooking pasta, playing hide and seek and floor wrestling. (Note: the last one I charge extra for)
· From: First National
Subject: Your spending power has been increased!
Oh great. But, more importantly, what about my net worth?
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yes, apparently every pharmacy in Canada is overly wrought about my ED problem and are eager to help.
ReplyDeleteOne favorite trick I like to do with credit card offers in the mail is collect them all up, then take the visa ones and send them to master card and the master card to american express and the american express to visa. then i picture the look on the people's faces at the processing centers when they open the envelope.
hahah guffaw guffaw - Ron, your credit card swapping idea made me laugh! Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteLOL - I get email from Michael Vincent promising me a job, too! Hmmm, let's see... what are the commonalities between us? Well, we both know Dave Fowler...
ReplyDeleteYes, that's it! Dave Fowler is the spammmer!! It all makes so much sense.
Ron - LOL! At least all of Candada isn't trying to ensure that you maintain ED.
That Dave....Darn him and his infiltrations!
ReplyDeleteAnswer: eating disorders?
ReplyDeleteActually, I so don't believe in any of that French women eat fat and don't get fat nonsense. The girls I know graze on salads, then have an espresso and a cigarette for dessert.
I appear to be on the viagra list at the moment. Ironic given both the fact that I'm female, and that the only thing I've got that close to recently is a camel. I digress.
ReplyDeleteCleverly their emails have "Re; Your enquiry" in the subject line, luring in unwary numpties. Cunning, but not cunning enough!!
Yes Petite that is what my sister (also Paris resident) says as well. French girls are so mean to each other and themselves about being thin thin thin so they survive on espresso and nonchalance alone.
ReplyDeleteI get loads and loads of spam mail from young eastern European girls who "want to chat" with me. I am very, very popular in Poland.
V funny, Mom/Mum.
ReplyDeleteMy spams are all horridly graphic - it's gone way beyond Viagra and they seem to be targeting me about all kinds or lurid surgical enhancements...it's either that or replica watches.
Oh my goodness- that was a seriously funny read! Thanks for the chuckle this morning- I needed it. :)
ReplyDeletethink your self lucky, all I get is spam for viagra and penis extentsions.... and I'm asingle woman!!
ReplyDeletethanks for stopping by.
byrd
I get these sorts of emails all the time too -- I keep getting on in particular thanking me and wanting to send me a Walmart gift card? Not entirely sure what I did to deserve it!
ReplyDeleteOh and if you do figure out how to get Tesco to deliver, let me know!
Does anyone ever get the ones supposedly from Africa where they want your bank details because you've been CAREFULLY selected to hold their 10 million dollars? I love those. It's like, why yes, thank you very much please wire that money here. As if.
ReplyDeleteI hate that when I go into my inbox and its all spam!
ReplyDeleteHa Ron's comment made me laugh!
Mom/Mum - At least Saks think you're worth mailing. Mine are mainly Primelocation (I registered as I am constantly thinking of moving), Viagra, you've won the lottery (even though I haven't bought a ticket) and my favourite junkmail - popbitch!
ReplyDeleteoohh Saks in your in box is better than sex in your in box! (Talking of which Mr Saks...still waiting for the bloody heel tips!) As for Tri Slim... did they see you reading the muffin post and mentioning your gateaux gut?!? (and I bet its not BTW!)
ReplyDeleteAnd Tesco could have delivered to you! I know someone who used to deliver for them who so stupid he could have easily ended up taking a wrong turn to America!
You kill me, your blurbs were hilarious!
ReplyDeleteDown in rural France we gorge ourselves on Duck and Pork. The secret is PORTION CONTROL. The French girls that I know who eat a 'healthy' meal have a bit of fat on them, those who only eat half of what they are given don't. Most of my 'skinny' friends smoke between courses too. However, I have heard that cooking with coconut oil helps you keep you slim. Bought some the other week, so will keep you posted. TTx
ReplyDeletem gusta mucho tu blog lo visito a diario visita el mio y si t gusta deja un comentario y nos linkeamos los blogs.
ReplyDeleteRon, I do that with credit card bumf too! Wise minds and all that.
ReplyDeleteMom/Mum, that was brilliant. You're far more patient than me. The only thing in my head when those things pop up is DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE!
Yeah. Know the feeling...your hopes are raised and then bumpf...to the lot of them! Here's hoping this drops into your e-mail and it won't get deleted!!
ReplyDeleteLMAO about ‘two spare fingers’, I’m mean, who couldn’t put those to good use? Eh? Eh?
ReplyDeleteBD and MM – Don’t go blaming me for your spam mail. I need at least another 50 addresses before I can sell my email list.
Besides which, I provide a service where I leave junk directly on your blogs. That way everyone gets to see it. Genius.
Like Ron, most of the western world can't sleep at night worrying about himself's ED problem.
ReplyDeleteIt takes twice as long now with all the reassurance now required !
I love reading your posts, I always get a smile out of them.
ReplyDeleteThanks x
You mean you don't get the "I'm a Nigerian prince down on his luck" scam e-mails then? How did you stop them?
ReplyDeleteFortunately the spammers haven't tracked me down too much here yet. But the catalogs are diabolical - especially given the small size of the recycling bins in our county.
ReplyDeleteYup I get it all too, cracks me up when I get offered cheap penis extensions or cures for erectile problems lol .... surely they can tell by my email address that i dont require such things lol.
ReplyDelete