Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Is it Me?

Or do I have,'LOONS ARE WELCOME HERE' tattooed upon my forehead? I've been staring in the mirror, exfoliating vigorously (I even dared to get really close. With my contacts in.) But I just can't see the words that surely must be etched above my brows, else why would another one have popped by to ruin my day? (Note to self: Book a brow wax. Urgently.)

I find it disconcerting that I seem to have more loons (lunatics) in my life of late than I have diamonds. Recently, I have blogged how these very special people have taken centre stage in my life during, Act One: Scene Five:
Lovin' The Loons and Act Three: Scene Two: God's Good Work?

To me, the lights were down, the applause long gone and the theatre had been shut up for the night. Silly me for trying to leave the show early. The Loons did an encore. Today. At the school drop-off.

Naturally, the car park (parking lot) is always busy at drop-off and pick-up. Cars line up with Moms/Mums looking left and right for their chance to pounce upon a space. I joined the line of shiny automobiles and waited my turn.

I noticed a car ahead of me pulled in to the side. The driver was gazing away from the parking spaces and looking towards the school doors. She didn't have her warning lights on. She wasn't indicating for the space about to become available to us, either. She looked 'parked.' I pulled past her and swung in.

"Ohh, we're nice and close to my classroom this time Mummy. Are we in those yellow lines?" Cheeky asks from his position as Backseat Driver. (Clearly, he'd been paying attention when, on his first day last week, the teacher had given us a mini lecture entitled, How To Park Safely at School'.)

How stupid can parents be?

Very, apparently. Because, as I'm getting Cheeky and Monkey out of the car, the Mom unloading her offspring next to me says," I hate to comment," 'But you're clearly going to aren't you?' I think. "But did you not see me sitting there waiting for that space?" She asks. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise you were," I said, all smiles. I'm thinking, 'Why is she bothering to voice this? She got another space, right next to me!'

But she wasn't going to let this go. Oh no. Of course she wasn't. She was another fully paid-up member of the chorus line of Loons that seem to be attracted to me, like a toddler to tantrums.

"But I was right there!" She is now gesticulating furiously at the place where I had passed her. "I was clearly waiting for this spot. I mean, come on!"

Cheeky and Monkey are looking up at us, confused as to what is going on. I wanted to kneel down with them, become pint-sized and say with inappropriate toddler honesty, 'Why are you shouting at me? And why do you have a big fat black hair coming out of that BIG ROUND HORRIBLE black spot on your face?'

But instead, I said, "Well I'm really sorry. You weren't indicating for the space. I didn't know you were waiting." "I was right there!" she continues to unlease her tirade upon me, enjoying her moment in the limelight. "It's just not necessary to do that to me," she says, shuffling her children towards the school.

I hang back, not wanting the other Moms to think I am a fully-paid up member of The Loon Association of Dramatics. But she's not going to give up, this one.

"You really are out of line!" She is shouting over her shoulder at me now. Someone pass the straight jacket.

Not wanting to cause anymore of a scene (a British philosophy I've noticed many Americans don't seem to share) I apologise AGAIN and repeat the fact that I didn't realise that she was waiting, "You got a good space after all, no big deal."

She stops in her tracks and swivels round in her Crocs," No big deal to you but, THAT WAS MY SPACE!" (Am guessing by this outburst, she won't be inviting me to join her Knit Night anytime soon.)

I have lost the will to live, so I don't bother to answer back. Instead, I march Cheeky to his classroom, kiss him goodbye and get the hell out of Loonsville (carefully avoiding not to ram her car in anger as I reverse.)

When I get back home, there is a message on the answerphone telling me we've won a free home security system. Am all smiles again. We never win anything! Can't wait to get it installed, then I can lock myself inside, safe in the knowledge that if any more Loons come knocking, the alarm bells will definitely ring.

Photo Credit: Fototsearch.com


  1. Heh, great blog. What a weirdo - the loon lady, not you!

  2. Wow, Americans are so direct aren't they. In this country, she would probably just have given you an evil glare but not dared say a word.

  3. Ohmygod, you gotta get outta there (hint hint, please come home!) before YOU become a loon or lock yourself in with your fancy new security system and later turn into a loon due to lack of human contact! Ha.
    I love how they have little How To Park Safely At School lectures.
    We do that old fashioned thing called walking to school, avoids all road rage incidents, but we live on a road close to a private school so lots of chelsea tractors park outside my house whilst I have to leave my car miles away and drag two children, loads of shopping and a big scary glare with me to my front door. V annoying. Anyway, I digress as always, hope you manage a loon free day. xx

  4. Very strange. Not sure why anyone would want to cause a scene like that in front of their children.

    I probably would have said "Oh, I didn't realize. Do you want to switch spaces?"

    Thanks for dropping by and commenting on my blog!

  5. Welcome to planet Earth, home of the species Loon. Didn't they tell you that when you landed? ;-)
    And come on, tell me, you're really, really going to miss being invited to that Knit Night, aren't you?!

    Here, courtesy of black boxes...

  6. God, I am so glad we moved within walking distance of school - those bloody car pool moms are the worst. Our school is about to lose its crossing guard (lolli-pop man) because so many of the parents (dads as well) park wherever the hell they want and double park, blocking all of the locals in. We have had e-mails begging parents to park legally so that we don't lose the crossing guard. One mom's reaction - "Well we don't need the crossing guard because we drive." Grrr.

  7. I KNOW those mums! I've seen them at my boys' school! Glad we are within walking distance too.

    As if you had set out just to ruin her day eh?

  8. Amazing how polite Brits are saying 'sorry' when they haven't done anything wrong. I would have had a go right back at her! But I guess that's the Aussie in me, lol.

  9. If she has a pop at you again just give her nipples a tweak. Before you know it both of you will have forgotten all about the original incident.

    Works every time!

  10. 'Free' home security system? Yes, but how much are the monthly monitoring fees?

  11. People are crazy!!! I get into more fights at Chuck E Cheese. Its crazy.

  12. You certainly do attract them!
    And you were very good to hold your tongue. I'm with Joe, you should have offered to switcharoo places and then when she declined, said: 'well you were making such a fuss about it, I thought it HAD to be that spot'. Silly cow.
    Her, not you, obviously.

  13. My youngest went to a particularly posh nursery/pre-prep (nursery through third grade?) and the car park scene drove me out in the end. Big-for-England cars eg landrovers, rangerovers, big volvos and typical size English parking spaces meant that there were never enough spots and you had to wait to get into one while your kid missed the morning bell. The stress drove me out in the end but I never yelled at anyone. Felt like it though!

  14. Miranda - hello and thanks for stopping by! I need to wear werido protection gear, obviously.

    VG - I knew Americans were a direct bunch before I came here, but really, they are so very direct it still surprises me. Be warned!

    ACTTF - Oh gorgeous one, how I'd love to come right now! and I cant wait until big school when we can walk, so annoying pre-school involves such parking rage.
    Could you put cones out to stop the tractors parking outside your door?

    Joe - Thanks for stopping by. I so should have said that to her. i'll save that lione for the next time. because there's bound to be one!

    AV - I must've missed that bit of information! Am still crying about not being at Knit Night...Thanbks for visiting. Am loving Black Box.

    EM - Grrr these drivers are in a world of their own luncancy aren't they? When Cheeky starts kindergarten & Elementry schools, thankfully we can walk. Can't wait! Oh and thanks, I didnt know lollipop ladies were called 'crossing guards here'

    CM - hey thanks for stopping bu my blog. Shall we start a campaign against those Loon Moms?!

    Trixie - hello and thanks for visiting. clearly, I need some Aussie in me if I am going to survive in the US!

    Dave - Oh dear. You bloke you! But it might just work....if I wanted a lawsuit to land on my doorstep. You know how litigious America is?

    AA- Errr yes, well they said the installation and equipent was free, but undoubtedly there'a a monthly cost. I await my appointement to find out. Now you've bust my competion-win ner bubble!

    Scc DD - Chuck E cheeses is the WROST place for loons! Thanks for stiopping by my blog btw.

    Tara - am now always going out in disguise. Worth a try eh?

    Audrey - Well done you for not yelling. Wanna pop over and give the Moms at my pre-school a little lecture in manners?

  15. Yes. Oh dear indeed. LMAO

    It started in my head as a two part joke but I forgot to follow up with the second part. Dork!

  16. Clearly she was on too much caffeine and just wanted to take it out on someone - how scary! I met someone like that in Sainsbury's once.. I was stood by near the carrots (notice I say near and not blocking them) and admittedly I was saying Hi to a friend. This woman actually shoved me out of the way whilst muttering under her breath about getting in the ruddy way. How rude! I as so gobsmacked I didn't know what to say and by the time I thought of something she'd gone! I don't go there anymore - you don't get that in Waitrose!

  17. So what's the second part of the joke Dave?

  18. Tara,

    Well it won’t be funny now.

    LOL. Actually it probably wouldn’t have been funny then either.

    I was going to add…. And then you’ll be bosom buddies.

    *resigned sigh*

  19. She was wearing crocs

    enough said ...

  20. omg. Loons. Pure loon there.

    You have to feel sorry for her kids really ... poor things.

    BlackBoxed here btw. :)

  21. School parking - light the blue touch paper and retire. I am so glad I can park in the staff car park, even if it does mean a 10 min walk to daughter's classroom.

  22. Just blackboxed in. You realise that bodes very badly for you!

    great blog


  23. Loons are everywhere. I'm so used to washing my hands along with my kids that I did it one day at work...........and got a dressing down from the loon who thought I was purposely trying soil her by washing my 'dirty little hands' in HER water. Lord spare us all!!!

  24. forgot to note that I am a black box visitor

  25. I don't know what is wrong with people. I'm reluctant to say the footwear since *ahem* I do own a pair of crocs. But we get the loons around here too, blaring horns in the car line because I put the car in park to unload my son rather than push him out of a moving vehicle. Don't even get me started on cell phones or school speed zones.

  26. Am some kind of loon myself bt we can always blame the black box toy for bringing me here.

  27. You do have the advantage is being British, and so mostly inscrutable even to intelligent Americans (most of whom have the sense not to bother trying to work us out). "Is it on the trolley?" is a good derailer. As is "You are Lobby Ludd and I claim my £5."

    Of course this has no effect whatsoever with the English school run. Tank traps, that's what you need for that.

  28. This is a about the thousandth time I have tried to leave a comment(I am not the sharpest tool in the box) so soz if it seems like I am stalking you with an array of comments that are all very similar
    Brilliant bloody brilliant!
    I was up in the wee hours reading all your blogs.
    Will be encouraging all of my friends too(approx 2)read them as well
    Michelle Sperry

  29. Last time I piffed someone off with my parking they left me a little note in French under my wipers. It said something along the lines of: "If you have sex as well as you park, I feel sorry for your boyfriend." There was also a reference to the size of my bum and it getting in the way a lot. The language was also less subdued. I thought it was hilarious, but was glad I hadn't met them in person. The joys of driving eh!

  30. Another great and funny post! See here's the thing, and I won't expect you to understand since you're of British origin. She is what we in America call a self-important A-hole. In fact, our number one domestic product is A-holes.

    Being an A-hole, she was obviously entitled to the parking spot simply because of her proximity to the location. Yes, she COULD have put on a signal to indicate she was going to turn, but that would've required courtesy, something which far too many people in this country lack. Also, if she used a signal, it wouldn't of given her the opportunity to do what many A-holes love most - to fight.

  31. Thanks to all of you that came here via blackbox! nice to 'meet' you!

    Dave and Tara - nice chat?! you two crack me up. note dave, I said you two, rather than your joke...

    AG - Exactly what i thought!

    TT - What a lovely note.

    WM - Staff car park sanity no doubt?

    michelle s - ahhh blress you. thank you./ you sound like the perfect kinda stalker to have!

    BD - despite the evil placenta robbingme of most of my brain cells, I worked out that A hole thing within, oh, about 4 hours of landing on US soil!

  32. The funniest thing is that she was wearing crocs! Do grown women really wear them? Back here in England you could only get away with them on a beach or if you were under 5 (usually on a beach as well!)

  33. Oh yes Rachel, people really do wear Crocs over here all the time!